A good friend once told me “rock bottom is a lot further down than most people think it is.” I remember when getting a cold or having a close friend being mad at me were literally the worst things that could happen in life. And then this year hit.

Some day I hope to share with you the honest bare bones story of this last year. I hope eventually it is inspiring- both to myself and to others. I’m only now getting to the place where I’m not just really mad about it all. But today, I feel like being encouraged and encouraging, so I’ll share this:

A few weeks ago, I found myself alone in the ER. An hour and a half away, husband was packing up the last few things in our house because we were moving out the next day, to a new state halfway across the country. I was supposed to be there, it was our last night in it. But instead I was sitting in an ER, for a problem that was supposed to be resolved six months ago, completely alone, watching the hours tick by .

After a year of crushing disappointment and raging storms, I felt totally abandoned. I remember messaging this to a friend: “As I sit here completely alone in an ER, on the brink of this huge life change, here is where I finally give up hoping. I quit. I don’t care about anything anymore. I feel totally nothing.”

It’s an eerie feeling to not feel anything. I never thought I’d get there. But there, in the ER, that is where I finally fell apart. And I mean totally. I’d thought I’d hit rock bottom months before that. But then I hit again, and again, and then a couple more times after that.

I thought at the time that it was the worst place for me to be. But really, it was what saved me.

It was there that I lost all my preconceived ideas about God. I think sometimes you need to totally fall apart before you can really start seeing again.

Late that night, discouraged and exhausted, I called a friend to keep me awake on the way home from the ER. I told her:

“I don’t really believe that much about God anymore. What I mean is, I just don’t really have too many ideas about who he is anymore. People say God is a protector. I don’t feel protected. But I’m done letting that shake my faith. Now more than ever, I know God exists. Now more than ever, I’d have every reason to doubt that. I can’t explain it, but I can FEEL him. I want to mad at him but I’m not. Basically, all I know is this: That he loves me, and that he sees me.”

The next morning, people poured in to help us load the moving truck, I didn’t have nearly everything in boxes because I’d lost the entire last day sitting in the ER. I was stressed and panicked. I wanted to be all ready and put together so I could tell everyone exactly what to do and they’d all be impressed by how organized I was. It wasn’t like that at all.

Somewhere in the midst of the flurry, I got a text from another friend in a different state who had no idea about the conversations I’d had the night before. I’ll never forget the text that I opened. It still brings chills and tears to my eyes.

“You were the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning. I asked God to give me something to tell you. All I got was this: Tell her that I love her, and that I see her.”

God loves you and he sees you. If that’s all you can believe right now, you are in good company.