I don’t know about you, but every so often I have a friend or two who will apologize to me for being “a bad friend”. I don’t know why they apologize to me. I’m definitely not over here winning any friend-of-the-year awards myself. So, I always tell them that and reassure them that they aren’t bad friends – they are just their own kind of friend.

In retrospect, when people say things like this, I don’t think they are really saying that they are bad friends – what I think they are actually saying is that they aren’t the kind of friend that they want to be: which, coincidentally, happens to be a combination of all their friends’ best traits.

This is the same logic that usually lies behind the “I’m a bad mom” logic.

A few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about how I like when my friends come over but that I particularly like when they bring their own baked goods. I don’t like to bake. It’s not that I can’t bake. I can actually bake quite well. I just choose not to. Because, as I’ve mentioned before, I hate flour and I hate icing. The end.

In the post, I pointed out that we should all rely more on our strengths: mine is hosting, theirs is baking. Let’s celebrate that. The post resonated with so many of my girlfriends. Why? Because we all need to hear this:

You are the best at being you.

If you’re my friend, it’s because I like you. You in all your you-ness. I don’t like you because you can be like me or other people. I like you because you are you. I have some friends who are “yes friends”. I have lots of ideas – and they usually say yes to them. I LOVE that. These are my friends I can give short notice to, who will drop things for me and meet me for a walk in the rain and hand me a plate a meatballs just because. These are the friends who will come to give me hugs and sit with me when I’m sad. They’ll meet me at the park on a summer day, or they’ll come over for dinner even if they’ve started their own. They’ll answer the phone when their kids are screaming. They’ll give me their couch or drive a few hours to meet me somewhere…. They’ll say yes.

I have lots of ideas: What I need are people to say yes to them. That gives me life.

Occasionally these dear friends will apologize for never planning things or inviting me over (I usually just say I’m coming over because I’m fleeing from my house – mainly laundry or dishes or working out). I always tell them they are ridiculous for apologizing this way.

I don’t expect an equal share in every area – I want their strengths… and I want them to want mine.

We are all good at very specific things. I love celebrating my friends’ talents. And I love when they celebrate mine. I have found that the more I compliment their strengths and give them room to be strong in my weakness, the more the favor is returned. Those close in my life have developed a give-and-take that is so beautiful to me. I can invite, they can say yes. I can plan, they can be spontaneous. I tell them they are great at making things, and they tell me I’m great at being super productive. I tell them they are pretty and they send me random gifts. And we all smile and hug and we love that we’re good at things. We don’t expect each other to be good at what we’re good at. We accept that.

There are so many positive things about this. I feel so comfortable and safe in friendships where this is the norm. It felt awkward at first – dishing out compliments to people who weren’t used to taking them, and vice versa. But now I sit back and look at my friendships and I think “how beautiful, we are all trying to be the best us that we can be.”

I have a higher trust in and respect for my friends. They let me do my strong thing and I let them do theirs. We don’t apologize for being weird or weak in an area. We learn from each other and we pull together. And what we create is beautiful. Do all my friendships work this way? Nah. But my closest ones do. I haven’t always been great at friendship, but when I look at what I have right now and how we’re doing it, I’m so insanely proud and blessed.

Let’s spend less time apologizing for what we don’t do well and more time celebrating what we and those around us are doing well. We’ll have more space to do what we’re awesome at. We need that in each other. We need what you’re good at. Believe me, we do.