Where to begin?

Right now, I am staring at no less than five house projects that need finished. There are more, no doubt, but actually counting them would bum me out too much. My husband loves to start projects. And I love when things are completely finished. And in the contentious middle is where we often find ourselves.

I have a hard time starting things if I can’t say with all certainty they will succeed. I like when things can wrap up nicely and I can stand back and admire a job well done. I like a start and a finish, a check in the box. But the thing about life is, we don’t often get to do that exactly. I know I certainly don’t.

I’ve started a lot of things in my life. Most of them met mediocre success. Not many were complete failures, but those pepper the list as well. There are things I would rather not talk about, pictures I don’t want to paint, chapters I would like to close forever. But somehow, the winds of time keep blowing the pages open.

When I first started writing, I was on a mission to say things that would change people’s lives for the better. I wanted to provide answers, road maps, boxes to check, and lists to cross off. I wanted those things for myself, too. And, for a while, it all felt within reach. I could keep things buttoned down, the ugly parts hidden away; I could fake it until I made it and look pretty good doing it.

Until everything crumbled.

I read back over my old writings sometimes and just sigh a little (and then archive them). My intentions were surely there but I just wasn’t being honest – not with myself or anyone else. I was chasing what I couldn’t hold, trying to escape a darkness I couldn’t name. And then it all caught up with me. The façade fell and I was better for it.

So, now there’s a new beginning – for me and for my words. This time I come to you not with answers but with stories. Most of the stories don’t have clear beginnings and endings. There are scuff marks, exposed cracks, raw edges, and gaping holes. I come in humility and honesty, not trying to hide the ball on anything. I’m figuring this all out with everyone else in the world. There are no steps and road maps, only places I’ve been and places I hope to be.

I hope you find yourself in these pages; I hope they reflect me well. I hope you hear me talking to you and not just about me. I want to be encouraging and realistic, hopeful and reflective, gracious and honest. I want to hold darkness and light hand in hand and know that one does not exist without the other. All parts have a place here.

I don’t want my fear of failure to stop me from doing the one thing in life I can never get away from – putting my words out into the world. I want to measure success with a different barometer than what seems the most obvious. I don’t want to keep denying what runs deepest in my veins because I don’t know where it will go. This is me giving it wings and trusting the process.

This is me trying something again and for the first time. Trusting. Hoping. Believing.

I am glad you are here.